You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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