the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
