Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
