I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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