I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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