Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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