I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
