let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
