I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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