You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
