on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
