That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
