I'm so fucking centered right now
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
