I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
