I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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