Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
