YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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