i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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