I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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