Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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