she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
so let's talk penis.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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