i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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