Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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