How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
this beer tastes like vomit already
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
