My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
