i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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