im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
