You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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