I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
