There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
