I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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