I wish life had little blips of pornography
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
