I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
