so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
