im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize