I CAN MOONWALK!
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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