I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
