I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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