No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
