All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
