cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
