I am puke
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
