hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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