if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
