I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
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