I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
