i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
