Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i came on her dog
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
