I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
In America we eat man semen.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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