Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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