You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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