Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
