Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
