My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
