God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I won't apologize to a one balled man
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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