Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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