I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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