For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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