I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
