I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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